Thursday, 10 July 2014

I was walking with the ghost

I was walking with the ghost

I won't mistake you for problems with me  
                        I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past
                       Tegan & Sara, ‘I Won’t Be Left’
‘I’m not well.’

That’s how I describe it; the sudden low I am feeling, the lack of motivation, wanting to be alone, cutting off all contact with the outside world. This includes slacking in my work – my real-life grown up responsibilities.
I’m suffering from a lack of motivation. It’s been a week, maybe two. I’ve kind of lost track of time...

I don’t want to go out in public. That runs the risk of seeing people I know and having to make pointless small talk.  And the inevitable lying. 'I'm okay.' 'I'm fine.' 'Thing's are good'. Making excuses to end the conversation quickly. The phrase ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is finally relevant somewhere.

I am basically hiding from the world. I’ve stopped checking my emails and Facebook for days. Leaving texts un-replied to for as long I can before I start to feel like a bad person. I know that this isolation is not healthy, but I force it on myself anyway.

I’ve been focused on the past. Running over things that I’ve done wrong in my head; mistakes that I made even years previously. I’ve been dreaming about them. 

Did I ever tell you about the time when I was about 5 on a trip to Bundoran? The funfair was there but my parents told me and my sister that we were only allowed to go on one ride before we went home. She picked the bumper cars, she always did. But I wanted a go on the Ghost Train. I was younger, so I got my own way. We both had to go on the Ghost Train. But it was rubbish. It was really short. My sister wasn't happy. It wasn’t even a little bit scary. I made a bad decision; I picked the wrong ride. I cried I felt so guilty about it. It’s been bothering me ever since.

‘I’m not well.’

It’s a familiar place. I’ve been here before.

And then I start to feel guilty. I know that I can’t just disappear; not like I used to. Hiding from the world doesn’t work that way. I have responsibilities now. People are relying on me. But the feeling of guilt doesn’t snap sense into me. It doesn’t make things better, only worse.

I realize it has been a week since I checked my emails. And a week is too long. I start to feel that I can’t just go online and check them now; convinced that no one wants a reply that is a week late. There is no point going into my emails now I conclude. It’s too late.

It’s a vicious cycle.

But I know I’ll get through it. I have before. It’s just another low. I just have to ride it out.

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