Friday, 5 September 2014

And I'll Be Curled On The Floor Hiding Out From It All

Oh and I'm feeling 
Directionless yes 
But that's to be expected 
And I know that best 
And in creeps the morning 
And another day's lost  
... ... ... ... ... ... 
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all 
Tegan & Sara, 'Soil, Soil' 

You all know the stereotype. The depressed person who hides under their duvet cover and won't get out of bed. Why is it that they can't leave the house and face the world like everyone else does?

Well here's my response.

I'm going to talk through with you why many people who live with depression often further isolate themselves and withdraw using examples from my past and present experiences.

Why I Hide Away During My Worst Days...

I have no motivation to do even the simplest of tasks. I withdraw from social media, refuse to check emails, or often even get out of bed.

A lot of this no motivation is down to self-loathing and feeling worthlessness. Some days I just don't value myself as a human being. I'm that type of person that will put other people's needs above my own as it is - at my worst it's as if I don't matter at all.

When you're depressed you can live in fear that the day will only get worse; things will only get worse, or I will just make it worse.

don't like crying in public. If I feel that there is a risk, often I won't go out in public, and hide away until I'm feeling more up to the task.

Often I would just spend the day in a daze where I know I won't get anything done anyway, even if I do leave the house. It's kind of dream like state, and nothing feels quite real. There were times when I questioned whether something really happened, or not.

I don't want you see me at my worst. Simple. 

Hope that if I take a day to myself, I'll snap out of it by the next day. For most of my journey with Depression I still held out hope; hope that tomorrow might be better. There are very few occasions where I ever lost that hope.

I'm not good at hiding my emotions. You can see right through me. I can't fain happiness and I hate fake smiling. 
If I leave the house I'll be faced with questions from my friends. And I don't want questions, because most of the time I don't want to talk about it.
You are not a counselor, and you are not my counselor. I am not about to spill my guts to you and sit back while you analyse it. Don't get me wrong, yes you should talk to your friends about mental health and ask them how they are. But you're not a professional, and you can't try to fix their problems.

And a lot of the time, I just feel like I'm bringing everybody else down.

Living with Depression isn't easy. Even simple tasks like getting out of bed in the morning can be a huge challenge.

But for those of you who haven't experienced it, hopefully this post goes some ways in describing to you what those who struggle with it go through on a daily basis.

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