I love December. People just seem to come together at this time of year, and maybe it's the presents talking, but I really like it. How can you not like Christmas? I mean, apart from the commercialization of a religious holiday, it's got lights and sweets, family and friends, countless servings of Christmas dinner, and a man that enters your house to leave you exactly what you wanted during the night. December is a pretty good month.
However, so far my December hasn't gotten off to the greatest and most festive of starts.
For the past few days I haven't been able to sleep. Getting to sleep is now a problem, and as someone who loves and plans for their 8 hours a night, this is not good. In my head I know I need to be asleep by 11pm. And when it comes to 11.30 I start to panic about not sleeping. And by the time it's 12.05pm I'm bitterly resigned to never sleeping properly and remaining tired for the whole of tomorrow.
And as a result all week I've felt exhausted, getting out of bed has become part of the daily struggle.
Then there's been the Eating. It's not that I'm hungry, I just can't stop... In the space of two hours (not long after I had my actual dinner might I add) I ate two slices of toast, a pack of Skips, a packet of sour worms and an Aero bar last night. I'm all for the midnight snacking, but this is unusual for me.
I have a Christmas party on this week that I'm starting to dread because I KNOW I won't have a good time at it anyway, and I'll only end up bringing everyone else down so why bother going? I've been going over and over it in my head and every little detail is freaking me out - how do I get there? what if I get there and no one else is there? how much money can I spend? how will I get home?
I've felt upset and angry and scared all at the same time.
And I'm looking at these changes in behaviour - disturbed sleeping pattern, lack of energy, change in appetite, loss of interest in things I used to enjoy - And I know what this means. I've been through the ringer enough times at this stage. I've talked through the same symptoms in other people. I know what I need to do to pull myself up before it gets any worse.
But yet I still have pangs of hopelessness. I still fear that nothing will work, that this will last forever.
Welcome to my mind.