Wednesday, 10 December 2014

The World Isn't Divided into Good and Bad

I had the best weekend. Everyone I have seen so far this week has heard about it.
The most beautiful bundle of joy in the form of a 2 month old kitten named Blue came into my life and sat on my knee and it was perfect. Blue is the most adorable kitten I have ever seen. And as someone who grew up with kittens, that's saying a lot.

Getting Blue came on the back of the death of Puddy; a kitten we've had since March. Puddy came to us starving and sick and hurt. And we nursed her back to as much health as we could over the 7 odd months we had her. But in the past month her health deteriorated again. And when she could no longer groom herself she had to be put down. I was frankly rather miserable when I heard the news. But I now understand that it was for the best.

Blue wasn't so much a replacement cat as another kitten who needed a home. So we took her in two weeks ago. But this weekend was my first chance to meet her.
Over 3 days she brought me an unbelievable amount of happiness, and it was the best weekend I've had at home in a long, long time. Happiness is grey and fluffy.

But last night I got the news that Blue hadn't been seen in two days. Despite looking everywhere multiple times a day, no one has been able to find her.
Being lost in the most horrific weather, there is only one conclusion. Maybe I'm a pessimist, or maybe just a realist, but I don't have any hope that she will be found at this stage.

I cried a lot. I still can't think about it without tearing up. I had plans to buy her some Christmas presents this weekend. And I'd pictured opening my presents on Christmas Day with her on my lap.
I gave up on my plans to be productive yesterday evening and crawled into bed at 8pm.
I just wanted to be home so I could feel better.
But I also knew if I were there I'd want to be somewhere else.

It was a complete restless agony, and it took me what seemed like an eternity until I could fall asleep.
I was consumed with self guilt and blame.

I made one promise to myself as I lay in bed last night - I'd get myself that free coffee I had a voucher for the next day.

So this morning I got up and treated myself to an enormous festive hot chocolate from Insomnia, covered by the fabulous o2 Priorities offer.
And while a sugar rush at 8.30am didn't make me feel 100% better, and while my eyes still hurt from crying last night, I am ever so grateful for the good things that slightly ease the bad. Whether it be my mum staying on the phone with me because she knew I was upset last night, or a free hot beverage on my way to work, or Radio Nova playing my favourite band The Gaslight Anthem while I sang along in work with a massive grin on my face, the world isn't divided into a black and white : Good and Bad. There are little bits of good mixed in with the pain. It's just sometimes harder to find them.

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