Monday, 15 June 2015

The Luxury of Feeling Unmotivated

Here's the thing. When I felt low, down, crap, or even worse than crap in college, I could pull the duvet covers back up over my head and give up on the day.

It was freedom in a sense. Sure I had classes, but those were optional. And if attendance counted, they were only a minor few marks. You could easily convince yourself they didn't matter for the moment. Technically I had no commitments, no responsibilities. And I MISS THAT.

Being all grown up is fantastic. But this is one thing I definitely miss.

You see, there have been days when I have felt that 'even worse than crap' feeling. There are less of them now that it's summer. But they still come.

And no matter how awful I feel, I can't pull those duvet covers back up.

Sure I could call a sick day. One of those infamous 'mental health' days. But that would mean getting out of bed, getting a doctor's note and PROVING I am ill. That's a lot of effort for a depressive to muster.

I don't have the luxury of feeling unmotivated anymore.
I actually used that phrase to somebody recently. They were feeling unmotivated and I replied with 'I don't have the luxury of feeling unmotivated'. It was quite harsh. And not the rallying support I'd usually respond with. But the truth is that I needed to vent. I wished I could have been at home that day. I wished I could have pulled those covers back up.

For me, feeling unmotivated seemed like a luxury. Let me be clear, it's not. It's a symptom of depression. But being able to give in to a lack of motivation is a luxury I miss from my student days.

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand. I've been really unmotivated the past 6 months and particularly over the past number of weeks. In someways it is freeing; I can sit and watch TV, I can eat what I want, I can stay in my PJs all day, like I did today. Something i never get to do, usually. But when I call it a luxury I am just masking the truth. Thanks for writing this.