I agonize the small stuff.
Work myself up. Focus on what could go wrong.
I had a phone call to make in work. I hate phone calls. No, that’s not strictly true. I don’t mind phone calls. But they do stress me out. It’s the importance of them. The fact that others can hear your conversation; even if only one way. I start to sweat. I burn up. I anticipate the worst....
*Stop panicking Zoe*
After 10 minutes of putting it off I eventually picked up the phone. I dialled. I sorted out the problem with two phone calls in 4 minutes. I could have saved myself all that panic...
Social situations make me awkward. Extremely awkward. I’m okay with my friends. I’m okay hanging out with people I know. Or, at times with meeting new people. But I feel uncomfortable when eyes are on me. When attention is drawn my way I get embarrassed. Shy. I lose my voice. I get a rash across my chest and neck. The rash makes me even more paranoid.
It happens in job interviews, with a panel focussed on everything you do and say. It happens if I accidentally drop something in a room full of people. It happens when someone talks to me in front of other people I don’t know well.
I guess it comes from my lack of confidence. I’m naturally shy. I don’t want to think about people looking at me. I don’t like the thought of me being all anyone sees.
Does this sound ironic coming from someone who takes selfies for her blog? Probably. But that’s also probably the same reason I feel more confident and eloquent behind a keyboard than in person. I CAN’T SEE YOU LOOKING AT ME.
I’ve been dealing with this for just over 10 years now. The rash, however, only started appearing 5 years ago. I guess I was at my lowest confidence-wise then.
When is it going to let up? Probably never if I don’t try to find a way to deal with it.
But how? How can I change something so inherent in me? How can I stop working myself into a tizzy over eyes that I either see, or feel piercing me?
And that, I do not know. Oh, but how I wish I did...