Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Post Mortem

I'm feeling a little broken.

Don't ask me why or who or what. Just know that for some reason, I'm feeling slightly morbid and hurt.

I catch myself wallowing. And I catch myself fuelling it.

I spent an hour reading reports from the Coroner's Court.
It's where the Coroner discusses why or how someone died. The post mortem is on full display.

The Court is filled with cases of suicides.
Investigations into causes of death. Assessing whether someone was suicidal. About the knife, the rope. How they were found. And the why. Why? Why? Why?

I feel I’m being intrusive. As if these are stories I shouldn't know.
It’s how I felt reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Intrusive but persistent in my quest for knowledge. I had to know. Someone has to know that this is happening.

But between these moments of solitary intruding I'm balanced with sparks of joy.
True smiles.
The ability to converse with work colleagues and shop assistants that I often lack. The world is not all doom and gloom. I can see both sides, and I’m surviving in both sides.

I’m balancing.


  1. I find things like this interesting! Seriously! It is really interesting and i love court cases and reading judgements too!


    1. I do really like reading true crime stuff alright!

  2. As long as you see the good things I don't see why an interest is bad. It depends on why you're doing it - a scientific, factual interest, or to find out for a purpose.

  3. I do find all of these things interesting, it is why I loved being a juror so much but I totally get that you feel slightly morbid x

  4. I've spent quite a bit of my job in coroner's courts and once been a juror, and I think it can be fascinating to see all the information. I think the only issue is if you find it makes you feel bad.

  5. I've never been in court but it sounds interesting. I used to watch a lot of shows that involve cases. Judge judy I think is called one of the .

  6. I find myself often getting quite obsessive over these sorts of things, its part of my anxiety. I have a big death phobia but a real desire to know the ins and outs of every murder case, every sudden death, everything I can find - but afterwards I regret reading or watching it because it haunts me, never leaves my mind even years later.

    My counsellor actually changed my thinking on it all - she told me its a form of self harm. I know that reading these things harms me but I do it anyway. That helped me to back away from it.

    But thats me - if its not something that stays with you and you're able to see the lighter side of life, then I certainly dont see the harm in it at all! x

    1. Thanks Hayley, really interesting insight. The stories definitely do haunt me a bit. And I really fascinated with missing persons cases and murder trials at the minute too. I'm pretty certain it's not a healthy obsession, but I do find myself drawn to them at the minute.