Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Appreciation isn't always easy

I am struggling with this month's resolution.

Gratitude and appreciation are tough. Tougher than they appear.
Sure, if we're good polite people we will feel these things. That's what we're told. That's what many of us believe. That's what I keep repeating to myself.

But when you can't feel anything, when you feel empty inside, it's hard to foster a sense of thankfulness.
There are times when I do not feel thankful to be alive, yet alone for the warm heat of the sun on my skin, or the bitter taste of coffee that I can regularly afford to buy.

And as I turned to record my 'Favourite Moment' in my journal every night this week, I have struggled to think of even one thing to write.

"Today was crap."
"I have nothing to be thankful for."
"Nothing good happened today."

I had planned on keeping a Gratitude Journal for month - counting on the rain for farmers, and having food and shelter as good back-ups in the chance that nothing else major occurred in my daily life.
But if I can't even feel thankful for the air in my lungs then what's the point in writing it down? It would just be a list of things I SHOULD feel thankful for while the guilt sets in. 

"I'm being ungrateful again."
"You have so much more than then other people but you're so unappreciative."
"Why are you so selfish?"

My depression has hit me with force. The only thing that keeps me going is that I have to. I have to get up at 6am. I have to make breakfast. I have to grab the Luas. I have to go to work. I have to go straight home afterwards. I have to do it. 

I watched myself as I smiled and shook hands and made general chit-chat with my colleagues and complete strangers.I say 'watched' because it was an outer body experience. I appeared happy. Social even. I was putting up a front. I used to be so transparent. But I have somehow mastered the art of holding it together. Until I get home, of course. And that's when the tears come. That's when I can't stop crying. When I fear I will never stop crying.

Appreciation isn't always easy. In fact, it sucks to know that I have so much to feel grateful for, but I can't. I can't feel anything.

I stood out in a heavy rain shower this morning and I didn't mind. As the rain soaked through my 'waterproof' rain jacket and into my skin I was wet and cold and tired. But I finally felt grateful. Grateful that I could finally feel something again. Even if it was just the rain.

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