Friday, 22 July 2016

The fog is lifting

The fog is lifting. Slowly but surely.

I looked up the word 'fog'; read about it on Wikipedia. I learned about how it forms, that there are nine different types of fog, how it affects visibility, create shadows and that you can make your own artificial fog (if you were scientifically inclined, of course).

Sometimes the word fog is the best description for my lows. It neatly captures the heaviness I feel - sluggish and weary. It's hard to move through the dense thickness of a fog. It slows you down. Everything moves at a more lethargic pace. My reactions were diminished. My ability to feel gone.

I haven't felt like me. I felt like I was outside myself; watching and observing as if in a dream.

It's been 7 days now of feeling exhausted, apathetic, listless. 7 days of feeling that I was not and could not be me.

But day 8 sees the fog begin to lift. I am now visibly brighter. I feel calmer. The dark mass is passing overhead.

If the Romeo Project has taught me anything, it has taught me this - sometimes, no matter what efforts or actions we put in place, no matter how much we try to be happy, mental illness is still there. Reading self -help books doesn't stop your depression, anxiety, BPD. Applying the tools from self-help books doesn't make mental illness go away forever. Positive affirmations won't cure you.
Mental illness isn't that simple.

But they help. The self-help books, the self-care, the positive affirmations DO make you stronger. They help you bounce back. To fight it.

Finding yourself in the fog of a depressive episode doesn't eradicate the progress you've made.

I need to find acceptance with that.

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